I'm a curvy girl, in a Barbie world

A friend recently asked me, "If you were walking down the street and saw yourself, would you want to get with you?" I quickly decided that I wouldn't be attracted to myself. She asked what would need to change in order to make me be attracted to myself. My go-to answer was to lose weight. It is such a life long habit of being unhappy with my body, it came as second nature. My brain snapped back and I realized that, for the first time, possibly ever, I am satisfied with my body. There were plenty of years where my body was great. Those years came before environmental feminism classes. Before growing, birthing and sustaining another life. Before I ever saw a real life Venus of Willendorf. Those were the days of stealing and reading my sister's Seventeen and YM. (Sassy shaped me too, but it still had thin models) Those were days before I was able to accept another standard of beauty. I have felt accepting of a standard of beauty for other women's bodies, but unable to do so with my own. I'm not sure what has caused this seemingly sudden appreciation and acceptance of my skin. No matter what the cause, it is a novel and thrilling feeling to look in the mirror and relish in the reflection. I am grateful for a healthy body, for all the little abilities that I take for granted, and for the cognitive ability to make decisions about what is best for my body.

First things first. My horoscope from Mr. Brezney for this week:
I think you can handle more hubbub and uproar than you realize. I also suspect you're capable of integrating more novelty, and at a faster rate, than the members of all the other signs of the zodiac. That's why I think you should consider interpreting what's happening in your life right now as "interesting adventures" instead of "disorienting chaos." The entire universe is set up to help you thrive on what non-Sagittarians might regard as stressful.

Novelty equals newness, yes? So I'm able to bring more new elements into my life this week. Bring it on. Some novelty is a welcome addition to my life. The past week has been exceptionally good. I got my new car which has shed a whole new era of hopefulness into my life. It is a lot nicer and newer that was hoping to get and in excellent condition. Life with friends has been phenomenal and extensive. My house is clean and I have taken care of business that I have been avoiding. I have been much more productive at work this week because I have been feeling better.

I have been working a spiritual program since July 2009. I can tell a big difference in my life, in my outlook and thinking. It burns me up that after the work that I have done, I still make mistakes. I realize that I need to go easy on myself, but I'm selfish. I want so much from the comparatively little work that I have done. While I have been try to improve consciously for a little over a year, I am working to undo 25 years of building a sense of control over things that I have no power over.

This all ties in with my general theme of impatience in the recent weeks. I want everything now. I wanted things to be settled between Darin and I. I didn't want to feel sad any more. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to buy a new car. I wanted to be admitted to grad school. I wanted to figure out how to be a better person and once I figure it out, I don't want to make mistakes any more. I act like I am some kind of princess, entitled to everything I want, when I want it. It is such a lie and faulty thinking. Things have settled between Darin and I. I feel firm in where I stand in that situation. I have bought a new car. It is better than I expected to get. I have dropped out of the home buying program because I think that is one too many things to deal with right now. I am submitting my letters of recommendation for grad school this week. Things are falling into place. They are falling into such wonderful places, that I am still humbled and amazed at my life. All of this beauty and providence would probably still fallen into place as it has if I hadn't stressed and wanted to control so much. It is so dumb and childish.

I am in awe this cyclical pattern of lessons. Frustrated, but still in awe.

I looked up Khalil Gibran quotes today after seeing one as a wall post on FB. These seem pertinent to me for right now.

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."

"Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self."

"Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be."

"The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master."

"Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness."

" Your friend is your needs answered."

"Love is trembling happiness."