In ten days, I'll be turning 28. I found my first gray hair this week. It made me really happy. To me, it represents age and with that age, experiences that make me into a wiser person that is better able to deal with life. The past year has been the best year of my life. I have been able to discover adult Lauren. I have found a lot of freedom in rebelling against the things I used to rebel against. It is nice to feel more normal and not like such an outcast or black sheep. Realizing that the label of being a black sheep is one that was self imposed. It has been comforting to fit in, but still maintain myself.

The major things that I have learned in the past year:
-That I seek validation from others to feel lovable and that I'm messing myself up by doing that.
-That I don't have to keep doing things I have always done
-That circumstances may change, but I still carry stuff from place to place.
-That I don't have to have an opinion on things that don't concern me
-To keep my mouth shut

While all of these things are valuable, the biggest changes I have seen in myself are the last two. It is very freeing to recognize that I don't have anything to do with a situation, so I don't have to comment on it. I don't have to share my thoughts on the things, because everyone has their opinions and by telling someone, I am not going to change their thoughts. Being in a former relationship full of opinions and rebellions, it has been a breath of fresh air to be neutral.

This whole year has been a big new breath of air. Clearing out the old stale air, taking in a lung full of new cleaner air. My lungs have felt restricted and retarded for some time and I am finally feeling them expand and be able to take in more than ever before.

The past few weeks have been a lot happier and more hopeful than the previous ones. I can see changes happening in me that are good and healthy and I am grateful for that. I am being a lot less emotionally impatient, but that impatience till very much exists. I recognize that I am exactly where I ought to be, even though it is not where I expected to be or want to be. I am enjoying being alone and it is not as scary or lonely as i though it would be. The theory of quantum entanglement (very) basically says that when two items have come into contact, that after separating, they are no longer the same as before they met. This makes me think of love and how relationships change us. It is interesting to see what I have gained in my pasts relationships and then what I have kept as my own after those relationships ended. It is strange to disassociate the things I've kept from the person that introduced me to them, but it it nice to take ownership of things as things that I enjoy, not just things that I did because my partner did them. I have recently felt a hunger for knowledge like I don't recall ever feeling before. It is like my mind has opened up and wants to become more intelligent. I am enjoying that very much. Life is really good right now, even though my heart still feels like it has a blanket on it. I still feel sad, which makes me feel weak. I know that is not true and I would argue with anyone about why that is wrong, but I still have trouble getting myself to fully believe it. Every week, things get a little bit more joyful. It is comforting to think of how I felt a month ago and to see how much better things are now. It makes me feel really hopeful for the next month.