I do love him so. He is an astrologer/writer. The good kind of astrologer; possibly the only one, ever. He writes Free Will Astrology. It is lyrical and poetic while being insightful yet leaving out the new age hippie dip that often accompanies any mention of the zodiac. My horoscope for this week:
You've arrived at a delicate yet boisterous turning point when one-of-a-kind opportunities are budding. I'm going to give you seven phrases that I think capture the essence of this pregnant moment:
1. wise innocence;
2. primal elegance;
3. raw holiness;
4. electrifying poise;
5. curative teasing;
6. rigorous play;
7 volcanic tenderness.
To maximize your ability to capitalize on the transformations that are available, I suggest you seek out and cultivate these seemingly paradoxical states of being.
Be still, my beating heart!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
olefactory anticipation
After years of faithful subscribing to BUST magazine, I have seen advertisements for Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab for ages. It wasn't until Thanksgiving Day, while making my sweet potato casserole, that it occurred to me that I should look them up. While adding the prescribed spices to the mix, I reached for my secret ingredient, cardamom. Cardamom must be the most intoxicating scent ever created. It is sweet and spicy, yet lightly pungent. It is heavenly in foods and goes well with anything with cinnamon. I like to think of cardamom as cinnamon's unpopular and intelligent cousin that doesn't realize how awesome she really is. Upon opening the jar, I wanted to smell like it all the time. So, I opened up the BPAL website and fell in love.
Let me preface the rest of this post by saying that I hate perfume. I think 99% of them smell like harsh chemicals. I can't imagine how people could get a whiff of it and think that they would want to smell like that all the time. Yuck. I have worked around too many people that do not realize how obnoxious and potent their chosen scent is. That being said, I have often wanted to have a smell of my own. A brand, if you will. Nothing sends me instantly back to a different time and place teaming with memories like a familiar, forgotten smell. I once was hugged after a day in the sun and the person told me I, "smelled great, like the beach and sweaty Lauren." Since that day, I've worn Hawaiian Tropic sunscreen, thinking of that comment each time I lather it on. So, with cardamom in mind, I went in search of my own smell.
The BPAL website is interesting. There all sorts of different groups of scents to choose from. Ones inspired by dragons, deadly sins, Egypt, whorehouses and the like. I quickly became overwhelmed by all the choices and decided to search for potions containing cardamom. I was in heaven. The descriptions of the blends are as sensual as the potions themselves. After about an hour of searching, I narrowed the field to six sweet scents:
BORDELLO: A decadent, deep perfume, lusty and luxuriant. The scent evokes images of velvet-lined Old West cathouses, tightly laced corsets, rustling petticoats and coquettish snarls of pleasure. Bawdy plum with amaretto, burgundy wine and black currant.
ENVY: Part of the Sin and Salvation inspired group. Green herbs slithering through mint, lime and lavender.
HYMN: Also part of the Sin and Salvation group. A paean to true holiness, spiritual purity, and sacred enlightenment. Based on an incense blend sacred to the Virgin Mary: perfect rose absolute and Palestinian Lily of the Valley with olibanum, labdanum, frankincense and myrrh.
PANNYCHIS: An attendant of the Goddess Venus. She presides over nocturnal pleasure, nighttime festivities, and all the joy and delight that can be found in the darkness. In later ages, it became the name of the all-night festival that closed the Eleusinian Mysteries. Night-blooming jasmine, moonflower, cardamom, sandalwood, black currant, ylang ylang, frankincense and lily.
VICE: More Sin & Salvation. Voluptuous and indulgent! A deep chocolate scent, with black cherry and orange blossom.
EVE: The spirit of temptation, the essence of lost innocence. Apple blossom, rose, ylang ylang and golden honey.
Once you find a scent that entices, there are forums for each potion. There are reviews that are luscious and tantalizing. Mentions of fore notes and after notes, how they smell in the bottle, wet and dry. Descriptions of the feeling each potion evokes, such as,
"This makes me feel ultra girly, soft, maybe even a bit vulnerable. Feel like I should be wearing a pink dress with frills. Over the past hour of wear i have to admit it makes me feel a lil dreamy, and I have the sudden urge to watch Molly Ringwald movies."
Waiting for a package to arrive is always exciting, but this one, more so. I ordered my vials of goodness on Black Friday. The BPAL site says that it takes 14-21 days to receive your potions, as they are all hand blended upon order to ensure their freshness. I find myself giddy to check the mailbox each afternoon, hoping for a package that contains the new smell of me. The anticipation is killing me.
Let me preface the rest of this post by saying that I hate perfume. I think 99% of them smell like harsh chemicals. I can't imagine how people could get a whiff of it and think that they would want to smell like that all the time. Yuck. I have worked around too many people that do not realize how obnoxious and potent their chosen scent is. That being said, I have often wanted to have a smell of my own. A brand, if you will. Nothing sends me instantly back to a different time and place teaming with memories like a familiar, forgotten smell. I once was hugged after a day in the sun and the person told me I, "smelled great, like the beach and sweaty Lauren." Since that day, I've worn Hawaiian Tropic sunscreen, thinking of that comment each time I lather it on. So, with cardamom in mind, I went in search of my own smell.
The BPAL website is interesting. There all sorts of different groups of scents to choose from. Ones inspired by dragons, deadly sins, Egypt, whorehouses and the like. I quickly became overwhelmed by all the choices and decided to search for potions containing cardamom. I was in heaven. The descriptions of the blends are as sensual as the potions themselves. After about an hour of searching, I narrowed the field to six sweet scents:
BORDELLO: A decadent, deep perfume, lusty and luxuriant. The scent evokes images of velvet-lined Old West cathouses, tightly laced corsets, rustling petticoats and coquettish snarls of pleasure. Bawdy plum with amaretto, burgundy wine and black currant.
ENVY: Part of the Sin and Salvation inspired group. Green herbs slithering through mint, lime and lavender.
HYMN: Also part of the Sin and Salvation group. A paean to true holiness, spiritual purity, and sacred enlightenment. Based on an incense blend sacred to the Virgin Mary: perfect rose absolute and Palestinian Lily of the Valley with olibanum, labdanum, frankincense and myrrh.
PANNYCHIS: An attendant of the Goddess Venus. She presides over nocturnal pleasure, nighttime festivities, and all the joy and delight that can be found in the darkness. In later ages, it became the name of the all-night festival that closed the Eleusinian Mysteries. Night-blooming jasmine, moonflower, cardamom, sandalwood, black currant, ylang ylang, frankincense and lily.
VICE: More Sin & Salvation. Voluptuous and indulgent! A deep chocolate scent, with black cherry and orange blossom.
EVE: The spirit of temptation, the essence of lost innocence. Apple blossom, rose, ylang ylang and golden honey.
Once you find a scent that entices, there are forums for each potion. There are reviews that are luscious and tantalizing. Mentions of fore notes and after notes, how they smell in the bottle, wet and dry. Descriptions of the feeling each potion evokes, such as,
"This makes me feel ultra girly, soft, maybe even a bit vulnerable. Feel like I should be wearing a pink dress with frills. Over the past hour of wear i have to admit it makes me feel a lil dreamy, and I have the sudden urge to watch Molly Ringwald movies."
Waiting for a package to arrive is always exciting, but this one, more so. I ordered my vials of goodness on Black Friday. The BPAL site says that it takes 14-21 days to receive your potions, as they are all hand blended upon order to ensure their freshness. I find myself giddy to check the mailbox each afternoon, hoping for a package that contains the new smell of me. The anticipation is killing me.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
beginning of greatness
After a November 1st post on Facebook about having a great day, my friend pointed out that I posted it on the first day of November. I hoped that the first day of the month was an indication of the rest of the month. It was. November was an excellent month. One of the best of my life. (I feel guilty saying that. After Denali was born, those were life changing and amazing months. However, I haven’t had to be up at all hours of the night, change diapers, or adjust to having to be responsible for a little new life.) December is my favorite month. My birthday, winter break from school, the culmination of another year and circle around the sun. It snows for the first time. My sister comes to town and I get to be with family and friends. Solstice brings more light each day. Things start getting brighter in December. It occurred to me last night that today was the first day of the month and that I needed to make it a really positive day. I woke up late, fussed at Denali and had to rush to get out of the door on time, which was really ten minutes later than usual. In the car, I apologized to Denali and he was very sweet and told me that I didn’t need to apologize, he had already forgiven me. He is truly such a sweet little soul. We started over and He got out of the car in a happy mood. In the car, I was thinking about acts of service and how I can perform more. It struck me that my job is an act of service. I love my job. I work with great people, have relatively little stress and I get to laugh a lot. Five days a week, I am providing a service to others. I was reminded that I need to make sure that my service was provided with a cheerful heart. I walked into my office, to find a little trophy and Hershey Kisses on my desk. The trophy is the LHS Lifesaver Award. Teachers pass it onto another teacher each week and fill it with candy. The teacher that passed it on to me is always happy and always asks how you are doing. “How are you?” gets on my nerves. It is such an overused phrase and most times, it feels rote, without feeling. This teacher always asks and always means it. She always has a smile on her face. She recognized me for my commitment to recycling at school. Last year, I created The Green Team. It is a group of my students that are responsible for all of the recycling for the entire school. Every other day, we travel around the school emptying the recycling bins in each class. It has been a great success and the students are able to work on vocational skills. It has shown regular education students that their peers with disabilities can be contributing members of our community. We have students that range from high functioning to low functioning. The best part of it is students watching kids that they would otherwise think of as having no functional skills, pushing a trash can or emptying recycling into the Rosies. This little thing perked up what was already a bright day.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I'm a curvy girl, in a Barbie world
A friend recently asked me, "If you were walking down the street and saw yourself, would you want to get with you?" I quickly decided that I wouldn't be attracted to myself. She asked what would need to change in order to make me be attracted to myself. My go-to answer was to lose weight. It is such a life long habit of being unhappy with my body, it came as second nature. My brain snapped back and I realized that, for the first time, possibly ever, I am satisfied with my body. There were plenty of years where my body was great. Those years came before environmental feminism classes. Before growing, birthing and sustaining another life. Before I ever saw a real life Venus of Willendorf. Those were the days of stealing and reading my sister's Seventeen and YM. (Sassy shaped me too, but it still had thin models) Those were days before I was able to accept another standard of beauty. I have felt accepting of a standard of beauty for other women's bodies, but unable to do so with my own. I'm not sure what has caused this seemingly sudden appreciation and acceptance of my skin. No matter what the cause, it is a novel and thrilling feeling to look in the mirror and relish in the reflection. I am grateful for a healthy body, for all the little abilities that I take for granted, and for the cognitive ability to make decisions about what is best for my body.
Friday, November 5, 2010
First things first. My horoscope from Mr. Brezney for this week:
I think you can handle more hubbub and uproar than you realize. I also suspect you're capable of integrating more novelty, and at a faster rate, than the members of all the other signs of the zodiac. That's why I think you should consider interpreting what's happening in your life right now as "interesting adventures" instead of "disorienting chaos." The entire universe is set up to help you thrive on what non-Sagittarians might regard as stressful.
Novelty equals newness, yes? So I'm able to bring more new elements into my life this week. Bring it on. Some novelty is a welcome addition to my life. The past week has been exceptionally good. I got my new car which has shed a whole new era of hopefulness into my life. It is a lot nicer and newer that was hoping to get and in excellent condition. Life with friends has been phenomenal and extensive. My house is clean and I have taken care of business that I have been avoiding. I have been much more productive at work this week because I have been feeling better.
I have been working a spiritual program since July 2009. I can tell a big difference in my life, in my outlook and thinking. It burns me up that after the work that I have done, I still make mistakes. I realize that I need to go easy on myself, but I'm selfish. I want so much from the comparatively little work that I have done. While I have been try to improve consciously for a little over a year, I am working to undo 25 years of building a sense of control over things that I have no power over.
This all ties in with my general theme of impatience in the recent weeks. I want everything now. I wanted things to be settled between Darin and I. I didn't want to feel sad any more. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to buy a new car. I wanted to be admitted to grad school. I wanted to figure out how to be a better person and once I figure it out, I don't want to make mistakes any more. I act like I am some kind of princess, entitled to everything I want, when I want it. It is such a lie and faulty thinking. Things have settled between Darin and I. I feel firm in where I stand in that situation. I have bought a new car. It is better than I expected to get. I have dropped out of the home buying program because I think that is one too many things to deal with right now. I am submitting my letters of recommendation for grad school this week. Things are falling into place. They are falling into such wonderful places, that I am still humbled and amazed at my life. All of this beauty and providence would probably still fallen into place as it has if I hadn't stressed and wanted to control so much. It is so dumb and childish.
I am in awe this cyclical pattern of lessons. Frustrated, but still in awe.
I think you can handle more hubbub and uproar than you realize. I also suspect you're capable of integrating more novelty, and at a faster rate, than the members of all the other signs of the zodiac. That's why I think you should consider interpreting what's happening in your life right now as "interesting adventures" instead of "disorienting chaos." The entire universe is set up to help you thrive on what non-Sagittarians might regard as stressful.
Novelty equals newness, yes? So I'm able to bring more new elements into my life this week. Bring it on. Some novelty is a welcome addition to my life. The past week has been exceptionally good. I got my new car which has shed a whole new era of hopefulness into my life. It is a lot nicer and newer that was hoping to get and in excellent condition. Life with friends has been phenomenal and extensive. My house is clean and I have taken care of business that I have been avoiding. I have been much more productive at work this week because I have been feeling better.
I have been working a spiritual program since July 2009. I can tell a big difference in my life, in my outlook and thinking. It burns me up that after the work that I have done, I still make mistakes. I realize that I need to go easy on myself, but I'm selfish. I want so much from the comparatively little work that I have done. While I have been try to improve consciously for a little over a year, I am working to undo 25 years of building a sense of control over things that I have no power over.
This all ties in with my general theme of impatience in the recent weeks. I want everything now. I wanted things to be settled between Darin and I. I didn't want to feel sad any more. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to buy a new car. I wanted to be admitted to grad school. I wanted to figure out how to be a better person and once I figure it out, I don't want to make mistakes any more. I act like I am some kind of princess, entitled to everything I want, when I want it. It is such a lie and faulty thinking. Things have settled between Darin and I. I feel firm in where I stand in that situation. I have bought a new car. It is better than I expected to get. I have dropped out of the home buying program because I think that is one too many things to deal with right now. I am submitting my letters of recommendation for grad school this week. Things are falling into place. They are falling into such wonderful places, that I am still humbled and amazed at my life. All of this beauty and providence would probably still fallen into place as it has if I hadn't stressed and wanted to control so much. It is so dumb and childish.
I am in awe this cyclical pattern of lessons. Frustrated, but still in awe.
Monday, November 1, 2010
I looked up Khalil Gibran quotes today after seeing one as a wall post on FB. These seem pertinent to me for right now.
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."
"Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self."
"Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be."
"The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master."
"Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness."
" Your friend is your needs answered."
"Love is trembling happiness."
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."
"Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self."
"Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be."
"The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master."
"Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness."
" Your friend is your needs answered."
"Love is trembling happiness."
Saturday, October 30, 2010
lady love
I have had a simply incredible evening. The Thriller Parade and Halloween Showcase was tonight. I was really looking forward to doing the dance of the Demented Toyz, and for Thriller in general. I get filled with a nearly indescribable joy on the 4th of July and other events where a large number of people gather downtown to have fun and dance. I love the energy of so many people in the streets giddy with anticipation of things to come. Thriller was no exception.
I felt off all day. Things felt weird. Things felt strained and awkward, in a relationship where they were formally fluid and familiar. Change is hard. I don't like being in uncharted waters. I like sticking to to roads I've traveled before. This new relationship is nothing I have ever had. I want it to fall into a category that I am familiar with, but I can't seem to find the category I want it to be placed in because that category doesn't exist yet. I cried several little cries today. I was excited about dancing, but still not so excited about being in a large group of people. When going out in groups of happy people the old phrase, "How are you doing?" comes up often. It is meant only as a routine greeting but when your are feeling low, every time someone asks you that question, it is hard not to tell them how sad or shitty you feel. especially if you are in the midst of laughing, happy people. Muttering the simple phrase, "I'm good, thanks." seems more than I can bear to say. I was happy to be with my friends but still feeling sad and sorry for myself. We did our demented dance and I didn't make a single mistake. It was great to perform and to wear a costume so not many people knew it was me. It felt relieving and refreshing to wear a mask and to hide behind that. I feel very grateful for finding a fitting artistic outlet.
After dancing and wrangling zombies, I had a the opportunity to hang out with friends, some new and some old. It was amazing and full of laughter. After walking into my apartment, I sat down on my couch and just felt so blown away and humbled by the amazing women in my life. Between old friends and new friends; maidens, mothers and crones; women that I would typically never have contact with outside of one special setting; all of the powerful women in my life. There is so much collective wisdom and experience between us. I am about to turn off the lights and I am so full of love and brimming with joy and gratitude from the beautiful lady spirits that i have been so blessed to have in my life. I feel so inspired by all of this that my mind is swimming with amazement. I have no doubt that I will quickly fall into a deep, restful sleep, full of the beautiful shining light that these ladies bring into my life.
Humbly and gratefully yours,
Lauren
I felt off all day. Things felt weird. Things felt strained and awkward, in a relationship where they were formally fluid and familiar. Change is hard. I don't like being in uncharted waters. I like sticking to to roads I've traveled before. This new relationship is nothing I have ever had. I want it to fall into a category that I am familiar with, but I can't seem to find the category I want it to be placed in because that category doesn't exist yet. I cried several little cries today. I was excited about dancing, but still not so excited about being in a large group of people. When going out in groups of happy people the old phrase, "How are you doing?" comes up often. It is meant only as a routine greeting but when your are feeling low, every time someone asks you that question, it is hard not to tell them how sad or shitty you feel. especially if you are in the midst of laughing, happy people. Muttering the simple phrase, "I'm good, thanks." seems more than I can bear to say. I was happy to be with my friends but still feeling sad and sorry for myself. We did our demented dance and I didn't make a single mistake. It was great to perform and to wear a costume so not many people knew it was me. It felt relieving and refreshing to wear a mask and to hide behind that. I feel very grateful for finding a fitting artistic outlet.
After dancing and wrangling zombies, I had a the opportunity to hang out with friends, some new and some old. It was amazing and full of laughter. After walking into my apartment, I sat down on my couch and just felt so blown away and humbled by the amazing women in my life. Between old friends and new friends; maidens, mothers and crones; women that I would typically never have contact with outside of one special setting; all of the powerful women in my life. There is so much collective wisdom and experience between us. I am about to turn off the lights and I am so full of love and brimming with joy and gratitude from the beautiful lady spirits that i have been so blessed to have in my life. I feel so inspired by all of this that my mind is swimming with amazement. I have no doubt that I will quickly fall into a deep, restful sleep, full of the beautiful shining light that these ladies bring into my life.
Humbly and gratefully yours,
Lauren
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