lady love

I have had a simply incredible evening. The Thriller Parade and Halloween Showcase was tonight. I was really looking forward to doing the dance of the Demented Toyz, and for Thriller in general. I get filled with a nearly indescribable joy on the 4th of July and other events where a large number of people gather downtown to have fun and dance. I love the energy of so many people in the streets giddy with anticipation of things to come. Thriller was no exception.

I felt off all day. Things felt weird. Things felt strained and awkward, in a relationship where they were formally fluid and familiar. Change is hard. I don't like being in uncharted waters. I like sticking to to roads I've traveled before. This new relationship is nothing I have ever had. I want it to fall into a category that I am familiar with, but I can't seem to find the category I want it to be placed in because that category doesn't exist yet. I cried several little cries today. I was excited about dancing, but still not so excited about being in a large group of people. When going out in groups of happy people the old phrase, "How are you doing?" comes up often. It is meant only as a routine greeting but when your are feeling low, every time someone asks you that question, it is hard not to tell them how sad or shitty you feel. especially if you are in the midst of laughing, happy people. Muttering the simple phrase, "I'm good, thanks." seems more than I can bear to say. I was happy to be with my friends but still feeling sad and sorry for myself. We did our demented dance and I didn't make a single mistake. It was great to perform and to wear a costume so not many people knew it was me. It felt relieving and refreshing to wear a mask and to hide behind that. I feel very grateful for finding a fitting artistic outlet.

After dancing and wrangling zombies, I had a the opportunity to hang out with friends, some new and some old. It was amazing and full of laughter. After walking into my apartment, I sat down on my couch and just felt so blown away and humbled by the amazing women in my life. Between old friends and new friends; maidens, mothers and crones; women that I would typically never have contact with outside of one special setting; all of the powerful women in my life. There is so much collective wisdom and experience between us. I am about to turn off the lights and I am so full of love and brimming with joy and gratitude from the beautiful lady spirits that i have been so blessed to have in my life. I feel so inspired by all of this that my mind is swimming with amazement. I have no doubt that I will quickly fall into a deep, restful sleep, full of the beautiful shining light that these ladies bring into my life.

Humbly and gratefully yours,
Lauren