I am nearly moved into my new house. It is a four-plex, so technically it is an apartment, but I like the word house better. It has hardwood floors and a small, but cute kitchen. It has central heat and AC! I won't have to be cold all winter! Mikey T is my across the hall neighbor, so I get to see him and all of his friends. All of my stuff is there, with the exception of beds, chest of drawers, couch, two bookshelves and a recliner. Why I waited to bring all of that over last, I don't know. My landlord neglected to tell me that I needed to have the gas turned on. I could live there right now, but it would be so much nicer if I had a stove, heat and hot water. I also know that it has taken me a full week to get in there because it is a big change. I'm going to be sleeping alone, waking up alone, doing everything alone. It is scary. I also won't have Nali everyday and I don't want that to end. He has been crawling into bed with us a lot recently. Typically I would walk him back to his bed, but I can't bring myself to do it now. I want him to be able to enjoy some of the (possibly?)last nights of Mom & Dad together time. This makes me super sad. He has had a hard time, but has been resilient in a lot of ways as well. Darin has been babysitting a new little girl and Denali hasn't gotten as much attention as he typically would. Akira and Mahala want to play with the new girl, because she is cute and sweet and is not their little brother. I feel like he has been left out by himself in the time when he needs extra attention the most. This makes me super sad as well. I only want to give him the absolute best and part of me feels like not being able to make our marriage work is not giving him the best life possible. I know this is flawed thinking, and it is not a judgement I hold others to. But I am my own worst critic and I will probably always feel like I could have done just one more thing that would have made things work better. Things with Darin have been 60% sweet and loving lately. The other 40% is no fun at all. I feel fearful and anxious. I don't want to be replaced immediately and I don't want him to be so angry with me. I need to work on letting go of my resentments as well. I'm not sure where this is going, and I think I have said too much. Basically, I am equal parts sad and hopeful. Life is going to get better. I am going to continue my spiritual work and allow myself time to be alone to recognize myself. I am excited about my apartment. It already looks good and it is nice to put things anywhere that I want them and clean up after myself and Denali. I am also sad that a chapter of my life is closing. It was a really good chapter but the storyline was losing steam. I just don't want the story to have a bad ending.
I have complete faith that the 50:50 ratio of hopeful/sad will eventually become 60:40 and then 80:20 and so on. I just want to fast forward to the 80:20 time. I am being slothful and trying to avoid hard work. I wish this could have happened in the early spring. I am not looking forward to the darkest time of the year being a time of sadness. My friend, Mary, a wise old crone of a lady, pointed out to me that my birthday, December 21st, while being the darkest day of the year, after that, there is more and more light each day. There are only 78 more days until the light starts returning.
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