When I first wrote about Darin and I separating, I ended the post saying that we were taking a break from painting a masterpiece. Well, the painting is complete. We both remain committed to our family and to co parenting, but are also committing to ourselves as individuals. I have been in a long term relationship since I was 16, with the exception of six weeks in between the two relationships. I have never been an adult by myself and I am already enjoying my freedom and independence. I am so grateful that I am able to support Denali all by myself. While I miss Denali on the nights I don't have him, I am able to clean the house, get the laundry done, exercise and see my friends. In doing this, the nights that I do have Denali, it is 100% devoted to him. We have created a library night and have been reading about an hour a day. We make the best of the time that he is here, without me having the distractions of housework. I am loving my home and making it my own space.
Last night, Darin and I were packing up things from the altar that was in our bedroom, taking down the pictures of us together. Seeing documentation of happy times together was really sad and nostalgic. I cried a lot last night, wondering where things went wrong. I hate looking back on things with regret, because things are exactly as they are supposed to be. But still, I can see how much hurt I have caused him and inflicted on our relationship. That is hard. I put all the pictures of us in a drawer with letters and cards that he had given me, pictures that Denali drew and other special stuff. I plan on finding a nice box to put the pictures in and saving them for Denali. I cried last night without trying to hold it in. It felt good to be able to weep and get it out and sit with that emotion, even though it sucked a whole lot.
Regardless of this sadness and nostalgia, there are so many phenomenal things happening in my life right now. I am taking a dance class for the first time since high school. I am learning the dance of the demented toys. We will be performing at the Halloween Showcase downtown after the Thriller performance. Thinking of costuming is really exciting. I am finding accoutrements to put together my Willy Wonka costume. I have my first counseling session with REACH tonight, one step closer to owning my own home. I have been doing more fire performances. Playing with fire is handling a dangerous element. It is easy to burn away the bad stuff and feel the adrenaline rush while performing. I really enjoy performing and it is an aspect of my life that has been ignored for years. Through March Madness Marching Band, fire performances and now this new dancing, I am having a very enjoyable time becoming something that is outside of my daily routine and dress code. I have a great home that is my own personal sacred space. I have the sweetest boy in the world, one who can now read about 30 words and say lots of stuff in Spanish. yesterday, he went to ask me a question and accidentally said it is Spanish. I have been blessed to borrow my parents nice car while I look for another. I am buying a blue Toyota 4Runner. It is big enough to haul things (which I do a lot) and is sturdy enough to be safe in case of an accident. It is in my price range, below the maximum amount that I am able to spend. Life is working itself out well and I am grateful with that. I am trying to sit and embrace my emotions and honor that they are the work I need to do to grow and improve. They are what is going to get me to be a better Lauren.
Life is so beautiful, even when it hurts.
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