limitations

While laying in bed the other night, it occurred to me that I was trying to put confines on our relationship. I am a bit of a control freak and it feels so much better to have everything in its place and a place for everything. I want to know where things stand. I like to mentally put things in boxes and have a set space for them. I want things to be neat and tidy and settled. I have felt (but have been fooling myself) that my life was fitting into my box of expectations in the past. Now it is spread all over, dripping and staining the fabric which is my life. I don't have a way to absorb all of the spill and it just keeps getting bigger and more far reaching. The spill is starting to bleed over into other aspects of my life that typically would feel manageable, but now they are feeling stained as well. Having this spill and not knowing how much longer there will be a leak, if it will be easy to wash out, and what is going to happen to my piece of fabric. I want to put this all in the washing machine, then the dryer and then neatly fold the fabric up and put it safely away in a drawer. I don't think that is going to happen any time soon.

I have been really lazy with emotions lately, especially the hard ones. There are things I can do that make me feel good and safe and comfortable again. Why stop that when those feeling are so strong? Why cease doing those things, only to face emotions that feel awful? (This makes it sound like I am on drugs or drinking. Not the case.) I'm in a spiritual program and I am in the process of making amends to people that I have harmed. this sounds a lot easier than it really is, and not just the act of apologizing. There is preparation and figuring out the ways I have caused someone harm. This really is not fun at all, because I've started to see all of the harm that I have caused in relationships where I have previously blamed others. I am actually looking forward to making the amends, just to get them over with and to move onto better relationships. I'm not being as lazy with that as I am with other things, which is a good thing.

On another note, I am so grateful for the first day of my lady cycle. Not because it means I'm not pregnant (which I am grateful for), but because it means that I am not crazy. The days leading up to it are absolutely nuts. I am your typical girl that cries over everything that has ever gone wrong in the history of the world. Sobbing over hurt feelings from years ago, then onto an animal I saw that had been run over. When Darin would try to make me laugh, I would just cry harder. I pity anyone who has ever dealt with me like that. It is absolute insanity. Thus, when I start, I am incredibly happy to be back on the road to sanity, even if I will only stay on that road for another month before taking the exit to Crazytown. Sometimes I feel like I don't just go there, but that I built the place by hand.

For today, I am grateful that I am able to walk and bike to get to where I need to go, for Halloween costumes that aren't quite finished, daily reminders, water, dancing, hoodies, and the artwork that is waiting to be hung up in my apartment so it will become even more of my own personal space.