meh.

I haven't been looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. The thought of it has just made me really sad. Last year was my first Thanksgiving after Denali's dad and I split. After we split, my parents told me that they had already bought plane tickets to San Diego to spend time with my sister. I didn't have Denali, so I spent the majority of Thanksgiving alone. It was quite depressing. I have always enjoyed Thanksgiving and looked forward to it. But last year, it filled me with a sense of dread of being alone. When I'm feeling blue, being in a crowd is super hard for me. Especially going to March Madness practice, something I usually love, becomes really miserable. It is hard to be around people having fun and not be able to perk yourself up like everyone else. This year, I had Denali until noon. My extended family had their big meal on Saturday, so I had planned on just hanging out with my mom and dad. They were invited to Thanksgiving with friends of theirs from church and asked me if I would come along so we could be together. I agreed, even though I didn't want to. I got there and immediately wanted to cry. I'm in this huge mansion filled with happy people who I do not know. This loser with no one to spend Thanksgiving with except for a group of complete strangers. I had to go to the bathroom several times to get myself together. Not only am I the complete stranger, but fighting back tears as well. No one knew, but still pretty embarrassing. Everyone was very welcoming and kind and the food was really tasty. I felt better until it was time to leave. My dad walked me out and asked how I was doing. I can't keep myself together in front of my parents. Even if I've had a great day, which I've had a lot more of lately, they ask me how I am and I start crying. I'm so sick of this. I'm ready to not be sad or angry any more. I want a time line to look forward to. Some note that arrives in the mail that says, "On this day, you will no longer be pissed at someone's thoughtless actions or be sad." I feel so stupid for feeling this way. I hate it. I'm a happy person and this is really throwing a cramp in my style.

This post is completely pointless. More of a rant, verbal diarrhea. I do not like Thanksgiving. I do not like being sad. I don't like being pissed. I'm looking forward to all of this being over.