My life is nearly always exceptionally great. I am possibly the most lucky/blessed person that has ever lived. Life always seems to work out for me. I've had some dark times, but other than those times, life is amazing. I am often awestruck at the multitude of unique opportunities and interactions that come my way. I've been accused of being obnoxiously optimistic, which is possibly true, since things always seem to work out so well in my life. Right now, I still have plenty of great things going on, but I am not feeling optimistic at all. My life is ruled by fear right now. This is such a dramatic shift from my usual view and I'm somewhat stunned from being knocked off my optimism pedestal. I'm scrambling to get things straightened out and placed in their neat little boxes so I can process them. But I can't seem to find the boxes to put these disappointments in and when I try to grab them to pick up, they blow up in my face.
My brain is a petri dish for fearful thoughts right now and I'm having a hard time getting them under control. The fears are all irrational. So irrational, that I don't want to say them out loud, because I don't want admit the craziness that my mind perpetuates. I'm going to type them out so that I can see them in front of me and I can see how absurd they are. If my brain were a restaurant, these fears would be the daily specials:
I'm scared I am becoming depressed again and that I am going to have to deal with it all by myself. I am surrounded by people that love me and care a lot about me. If I do start feeling this way again, I have knowledge of signs to know when to get help and I have health insurance that will cover it.
I'm afraid I am not going to do well in school and people will not think I am intelligent if I don't get a certain grade. I am doing fine in school, I'm just not able to devote all of the time that I would like to it. No one is judging my intelligence solely on a letter grade.
I'm afraid of being alone and unwanted. I am surrounded by friends that come pick me up and make me go out, even when I feel low and want to lay in bed. Being single is scary because it is new and unfamiliar, but new and unfamiliar things blossom into bigger and better things.
I'm afraid I am going to get stuck on one ideal of what I want to happen. If those ideals don't happen, I'll be disappointed. If it does happen, I will have made it out to be such a great thing in my mind that the actual things will pale in comparison with my lofty ideals, and I will be disappointed. Either way, if I hang onto these ideals, I'll end up disappointed. I need to let them go and remember that life is not black or white. What I want vs. what I don't want are very rarely the only options.
I'm scared that Denali will be treated unfairly. I have an awesome kid that is not always going to be treated as well as I would like for him to be treated. That is part of life and I can't control it. I can only teach him to stand up for himself and to be loving and kind.
I'm scared of losing people I care a lot about. This one is a big one. I'm scared that a very close friendship will not be able to withstand a new topography and that I will lose that person in more ways than I've already lost them.
I'm afraid that I am unloveable because I've been rejected. This, is the biggest and most damning. My spiritual mentor once told me that there are three kinds of lies. The first are outright untruths. The second are lies of omission. The third are the lies that we tell ourselves. The last one is the most ruthless, most damaging and most common. I know that I am surrounded by people that care about me and love me. But in the back of my mind, there is always the thought that no one will love me. I've been able to work on silencing/reducing that thought, but being rejected has made me take two steps back.
Feeding all of these fears is not sustainable. Feeling great all the time is not a balanced life. For as amazing as my life is, if it weren't for the down times, it would be unchecked and unbridled. I need these times to reign things in and recognize how good I have things. My life is nearly always exceptionally great, I'm just in between greatnesses right now.
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