I'm a curvy girl, in a Barbie world

A friend recently asked me, "If you were walking down the street and saw yourself, would you want to get with you?" I quickly decided that I wouldn't be attracted to myself. She asked what would need to change in order to make me be attracted to myself. My go-to answer was to lose weight. It is such a life long habit of being unhappy with my body, it came as second nature. My brain snapped back and I realized that, for the first time, possibly ever, I am satisfied with my body. There were plenty of years where my body was great. Those years came before environmental feminism classes. Before growing, birthing and sustaining another life. Before I ever saw a real life Venus of Willendorf. Those were the days of stealing and reading my sister's Seventeen and YM. (Sassy shaped me too, but it still had thin models) Those were days before I was able to accept another standard of beauty. I have felt accepting of a standard of beauty for other women's bodies, but unable to do so with my own. I'm not sure what has caused this seemingly sudden appreciation and acceptance of my skin. No matter what the cause, it is a novel and thrilling feeling to look in the mirror and relish in the reflection. I am grateful for a healthy body, for all the little abilities that I take for granted, and for the cognitive ability to make decisions about what is best for my body.

First things first. My horoscope from Mr. Brezney for this week:
I think you can handle more hubbub and uproar than you realize. I also suspect you're capable of integrating more novelty, and at a faster rate, than the members of all the other signs of the zodiac. That's why I think you should consider interpreting what's happening in your life right now as "interesting adventures" instead of "disorienting chaos." The entire universe is set up to help you thrive on what non-Sagittarians might regard as stressful.

Novelty equals newness, yes? So I'm able to bring more new elements into my life this week. Bring it on. Some novelty is a welcome addition to my life. The past week has been exceptionally good. I got my new car which has shed a whole new era of hopefulness into my life. It is a lot nicer and newer that was hoping to get and in excellent condition. Life with friends has been phenomenal and extensive. My house is clean and I have taken care of business that I have been avoiding. I have been much more productive at work this week because I have been feeling better.

I have been working a spiritual program since July 2009. I can tell a big difference in my life, in my outlook and thinking. It burns me up that after the work that I have done, I still make mistakes. I realize that I need to go easy on myself, but I'm selfish. I want so much from the comparatively little work that I have done. While I have been try to improve consciously for a little over a year, I am working to undo 25 years of building a sense of control over things that I have no power over.

This all ties in with my general theme of impatience in the recent weeks. I want everything now. I wanted things to be settled between Darin and I. I didn't want to feel sad any more. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to buy a new car. I wanted to be admitted to grad school. I wanted to figure out how to be a better person and once I figure it out, I don't want to make mistakes any more. I act like I am some kind of princess, entitled to everything I want, when I want it. It is such a lie and faulty thinking. Things have settled between Darin and I. I feel firm in where I stand in that situation. I have bought a new car. It is better than I expected to get. I have dropped out of the home buying program because I think that is one too many things to deal with right now. I am submitting my letters of recommendation for grad school this week. Things are falling into place. They are falling into such wonderful places, that I am still humbled and amazed at my life. All of this beauty and providence would probably still fallen into place as it has if I hadn't stressed and wanted to control so much. It is so dumb and childish.

I am in awe this cyclical pattern of lessons. Frustrated, but still in awe.

I looked up Khalil Gibran quotes today after seeing one as a wall post on FB. These seem pertinent to me for right now.

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."

"Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self."

"Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be."

"The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master."

"Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness."

" Your friend is your needs answered."

"Love is trembling happiness."

lady love

I have had a simply incredible evening. The Thriller Parade and Halloween Showcase was tonight. I was really looking forward to doing the dance of the Demented Toyz, and for Thriller in general. I get filled with a nearly indescribable joy on the 4th of July and other events where a large number of people gather downtown to have fun and dance. I love the energy of so many people in the streets giddy with anticipation of things to come. Thriller was no exception.

I felt off all day. Things felt weird. Things felt strained and awkward, in a relationship where they were formally fluid and familiar. Change is hard. I don't like being in uncharted waters. I like sticking to to roads I've traveled before. This new relationship is nothing I have ever had. I want it to fall into a category that I am familiar with, but I can't seem to find the category I want it to be placed in because that category doesn't exist yet. I cried several little cries today. I was excited about dancing, but still not so excited about being in a large group of people. When going out in groups of happy people the old phrase, "How are you doing?" comes up often. It is meant only as a routine greeting but when your are feeling low, every time someone asks you that question, it is hard not to tell them how sad or shitty you feel. especially if you are in the midst of laughing, happy people. Muttering the simple phrase, "I'm good, thanks." seems more than I can bear to say. I was happy to be with my friends but still feeling sad and sorry for myself. We did our demented dance and I didn't make a single mistake. It was great to perform and to wear a costume so not many people knew it was me. It felt relieving and refreshing to wear a mask and to hide behind that. I feel very grateful for finding a fitting artistic outlet.

After dancing and wrangling zombies, I had a the opportunity to hang out with friends, some new and some old. It was amazing and full of laughter. After walking into my apartment, I sat down on my couch and just felt so blown away and humbled by the amazing women in my life. Between old friends and new friends; maidens, mothers and crones; women that I would typically never have contact with outside of one special setting; all of the powerful women in my life. There is so much collective wisdom and experience between us. I am about to turn off the lights and I am so full of love and brimming with joy and gratitude from the beautiful lady spirits that i have been so blessed to have in my life. I feel so inspired by all of this that my mind is swimming with amazement. I have no doubt that I will quickly fall into a deep, restful sleep, full of the beautiful shining light that these ladies bring into my life.

Humbly and gratefully yours,
Lauren

Free Will Astrology, try again.

I sat down this morning before going to work, set the timer and meditated. I am awful at focusing, but I am doing much better at clearing my mind. I sat and listened for what I needed to hear. The thought that came to me was that the horoscope from last week was that I would rely upon something that had previously seemed vital for sustenance. I was confused about how that fit into this week's horoscope of diving into the darkness that is inside me, and inside all of us. I feel like I especially have some extra darkness to deal with right now. While meditating this morning, it occured to be that the sustenance horoscope was last week's, not this week's. Last week is over. That horoscope fit very well for last week, but I'm in a new week and this week, I have to sustain myself.

Like I mentioned previously, I typically do not take horoscopes seriously. The daily ones are a quack and I only read Rob Brezny's Free Will Astrology on occasion. It is simply a fun interpretation and entertaining to read, if nothing else. I am not sure what led me to check his website, but I am so glad I did. What was feeling like an overwhelmingly daunting chore is now seeming like so much more focused and direct and very doable. Today I am grateful for a good kick in the pants to git-her-done.

Free Will Astrology

The main reason I pick up an ACE magazine these days is to read the Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezney. While I find astrology quite fascinating I'm not a big fan of horoscopes. Too vague, too impersonal. But I do enjoy Mr. Brezney's interpretation of the celestial patterns. I randomly decided to check my horoscope on his website, something I have never done before. My last two horoscopes have very closely mimicked my emotions. I've put the most poignant parts in italics.

This week's horoscope:
Is the highest form of courage embodied in a soldier fighting during a war? Irish poet William Butler Yeats didn't think so. He said that entering into the abyss of one's deep self is equally daring. By my astrological reckoning, that will be the location of your greatest heroism in the days ahead. Your most illuminating and productive adventures will be the wrestling matches you have with the convulsive, beautiful darkness you find inside yourself. Halloween costume suggestion: a peaceful warrior.

"Nothing's going right in my life. I feel anxious and paranoid all the time. My relationships are a mess." In my line of work, people make confessions like that to me. My first response is usually something like this: "Do you habitually gobble junk food near bedtime, steal a paltry five hours of sleep per night, gulp two cups of coffee and no breakfast in the morning, then bolt to a workplace where you get no sunlight or exercise and sit in an uncomfortable chair?" They often reply, "You must be psychic! How did you know?!" My point is that many psychological troubles stem from our chronic failure to take good care of ourselves.

Last week's horoscope:
Scientists have discovered an exotic animal that feeds on the bones of dead whales lying on the ocean floor. Known informally as the bone-eating snot-flower worm, it looks like a frilly pink plume growing up out of sheer bone. Believe it or not, Sagittarius, you could take a cue from this creature in the coming weeks. It will be a favorable time for you to draw sustenance from the skeletal remains of big things that were once vital.

"The important thing," said French critic Charles Du Bos, "is to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

Did he really mean at any moment? Like while we're in a convenience store buying a magazine? While we're lying in bed ready for sleep and reviewing the events of the day? While we're adrift in apathetic melancholy, watching too much TV and neglecting our friends? At any moment?! I say yes. At all times and in all places be ready to sacrifice what you are for what you could become.

Okay, so according to Rob I've got a lot of work to do. Delving into the darkness within, wrestling matches in order to be productive, taking better care of myself, and being willing to let go of the past and using the knowledge I've learned from the remains of what I used to think was vital to my life in order to become a better person tomorrow. Whew.

I am trying to sit with the negative emotions as they arise. Tonight I felt really lonely and like the train I was on was about to wreck. I rode my bike home crying only to come into my house and realize my laundry was done. I washed some more clothes, put the clean ones away, attempted to organize the clothes pile which is my bedroom and worked for an hour on a very important project that I have avoided. I've gotten a lot done tonight in just two hours. And I haven't shed a single tear. I bought several supplements for myself last week to make up for the toll of stress and poor diet. I have exercised for the past three days. I've done this and I'm feeling up for the task at hand.

Mr. Brezney, I'm working on it. If nothing else, I am feeling hopeful about the changes to come.

limitations

While laying in bed the other night, it occurred to me that I was trying to put confines on our relationship. I am a bit of a control freak and it feels so much better to have everything in its place and a place for everything. I want to know where things stand. I like to mentally put things in boxes and have a set space for them. I want things to be neat and tidy and settled. I have felt (but have been fooling myself) that my life was fitting into my box of expectations in the past. Now it is spread all over, dripping and staining the fabric which is my life. I don't have a way to absorb all of the spill and it just keeps getting bigger and more far reaching. The spill is starting to bleed over into other aspects of my life that typically would feel manageable, but now they are feeling stained as well. Having this spill and not knowing how much longer there will be a leak, if it will be easy to wash out, and what is going to happen to my piece of fabric. I want to put this all in the washing machine, then the dryer and then neatly fold the fabric up and put it safely away in a drawer. I don't think that is going to happen any time soon.

I have been really lazy with emotions lately, especially the hard ones. There are things I can do that make me feel good and safe and comfortable again. Why stop that when those feeling are so strong? Why cease doing those things, only to face emotions that feel awful? (This makes it sound like I am on drugs or drinking. Not the case.) I'm in a spiritual program and I am in the process of making amends to people that I have harmed. this sounds a lot easier than it really is, and not just the act of apologizing. There is preparation and figuring out the ways I have caused someone harm. This really is not fun at all, because I've started to see all of the harm that I have caused in relationships where I have previously blamed others. I am actually looking forward to making the amends, just to get them over with and to move onto better relationships. I'm not being as lazy with that as I am with other things, which is a good thing.

On another note, I am so grateful for the first day of my lady cycle. Not because it means I'm not pregnant (which I am grateful for), but because it means that I am not crazy. The days leading up to it are absolutely nuts. I am your typical girl that cries over everything that has ever gone wrong in the history of the world. Sobbing over hurt feelings from years ago, then onto an animal I saw that had been run over. When Darin would try to make me laugh, I would just cry harder. I pity anyone who has ever dealt with me like that. It is absolute insanity. Thus, when I start, I am incredibly happy to be back on the road to sanity, even if I will only stay on that road for another month before taking the exit to Crazytown. Sometimes I feel like I don't just go there, but that I built the place by hand.

For today, I am grateful that I am able to walk and bike to get to where I need to go, for Halloween costumes that aren't quite finished, daily reminders, water, dancing, hoodies, and the artwork that is waiting to be hung up in my apartment so it will become even more of my own personal space.