Fourscore, all alone

It has been 20 days since I wrote and I have missed it greatly. I kept feeling guilty that I hadn't added anything, but I felt totally uninspired. Last night, I had an "AHA!" moment about my next writing subject. So, here goes:

I have always hated being alone. When I was a kid, I hated being home alone because I was afraid someone would break into our house. As an adult, I have always had a housemate, leaving less time to be alone. Facebook has offered me an out for times when I am alone, but don't want to feel alone.

Since last summer, I have been working on a program that is perfect for folks that want to change other people. While I'm sure everyone falls into this category, I have had years of practice and, in my mind, I am quite good at it. Which is a huge problem. So I'm (slowly, painfully, slowly) working on changing my desire to make people fit into a mold that I create for them. This program forces me to examine my issues and to break down my resentments with others to find the real cause of my frustration. For me, the root of my resentments for others is a fear of being messed up or unloveable. If someone on the street were to walk up to me and ask if I felt worthy of love, I would say yes. I feel like I am very loveable. *Crazy thoughts in italics* I'm great! I am perfect in every way, loving and kind in all my interactions, using impeccable communication skills and always doing my best. What's not to love about me? But what if people find out that I am not a very good stepmother? What if they saw Darin and I arguing and heard things I have said in that context? What if people could read my thoughts and see how judgemental I can be? If people knew all this stuff about me, no one would want to be around me and I would have no friends and no one would love me anymore. It sounds like a totally irrational thought, but I am fairly certain I am not the only one that harbors this fear. I am realizing that my dislike for being alone is tied directly to the fear of being unloveable. If I am alone, then that means that no one wants to spend time with me.

Lately, I have found myself wanting to be alone more. Not alone as in, 'Darin and the kids are gone,' but 'I can be by myself and find pleasure in being alone.' When I was in Louisville this summer, I walked around downtown in the middle of the night. I went to an art gallery by myself. It was a turning point for me and embracing my aloneness. I really enjoyed those few hours. This past weekend, our family had planned to go to a music festival in Berea. Darin had to work on Saturday, so I had planned for Denali and I to go down Friday night and Darin would come down Saturday night. Denali ended up staying with my parents Friday night, Which left me alone at a music festival for 24 hours. I had plenty of friends there, but it too felt like a significant step in being alone.

While these little things may seem insignificant, they are encouraging to me. I'm being pushed back into my shell. I am finding out that I can be alone and still be loved, and still love myself. I am finding aloneness to be a very beautiful thing.

In closing with the theme of beauitful aloneness, watch this.