LOVEVOLUTION

This is Darin. Most of you know him. I love him. I have for the past 7.5 years. In that time, I have envisioned us being old, sitting on a front porch, probably out in the country somewhere. We would be drinking Reed's Ginger Brew, the kind sweetened with honey, not sugar. There would be music on in the background, and it would definitely be coming from a record player and there is a very good chance it would be His Name Is Alive. In my mind, he would be boisterously talking, saying something harmlessly offensive, and saying it in a Brooklyn accent. I would be playfully slapping his wrist, chiding him using the few Yiddish words that I know. I have thought of this silly scenario often. Now I am wondering if it will happen.

Relationships are hard. All of them. There is not a single one that is easy. For the first 5 years of us, we floated along as effortless as possible. Things were so good. There was 99% good and 1% not so good. Now, two and a half years later, I am wondering what happened to the effortlessness. I am wondering what happened to us. We got off track somewhere. We haven't been able to get back on again. Maybe our wheels are bent, or the track has crumbled. Either way, despite our best efforts, we just can't connect the track and the wheels anymore. We have fallen into ruts and we can't gain enough traction to get out. I drove by Darin's old house on Clay Avenue tonight. We shared our first kiss on the front porch steps there on March 25, 2003. I cried, remembering how happy and easy things were back then. How in love we were. I wish we could go back to that time and start over. We could create new patterns and start our relationship off knowing what we know now. Our hearts would be overflowing with desire to be with each other. Now our tanks are on empty.

After months of talking, I decided this week to take action and move out of our house. About 50% of me is heartbroken, sad that something I want so badly is slipping through my hands. I want to grow old with him. I want to raise our family together. The other 50% of me is really hopeful. I hate to admit this. I am excited to have time away from Darin, so we can get out of each other's hair for a bit. I am excited to be alone. I moved from my parent's house into Darin's house. We have always lived with a housemate. I have purposely surrounded myself with other people so I could avoid being alone. Now, I need to be alone. I am looking forward to it. I have a feeling that it will really suck once I get there, but it is a requirement for becoming Grown-up Lauren.

I have made a lot of mistakes in the past 7.5 years. Part of me thinks I should stay and try to keep working on things. Trying the same thing over and over expecting different results is insanity, though. I wish I could blame this all on Darin. I could write out a mile long list of things he has done wrong. I would feel justified and haughty and still think I was the better person for being above all the stuff he does. If he sat down and wrote out a list of things I have done wrong, I know it would be longer than the list I made. That might be the hardest part, looking back and realizing all the stupid and selfish things I have done. Every time I lashed out when he pointed out something I could improve. Each time I played on the computer when I could have had a conversation with him. Every time I raised my voice. Each time I criticized or found fault in him before examining my actions. Recognizing that our decline is not just his fault, but mine too. Knowing that because of my character defects I won't be able to see Denali everyday. This is the most heart wrenching part of the whole situation. I have been with Nali nearly everyday of his whole Life. I have never spent more than three days away from him in 5.5 years. Only seeing him every other day, I'm not sure how I can do it. Because of the mistakes I've made, I only get to spend 50% of the time with him. He is the love of my life. He has such a sweet bright light inside of him and he brings so much joy to my life. My only wish is for him to have the best possible life, surrounded by people that love him. I wish that for Darin, too.

Darin and I are considering this a separation. I have no vision or expectations of what will happen with us.

I am certain that everything will be okay. I haven't found a new home yet. I'm looking for a 2 bedroom, preferably in Kenwick, Southland Drive or Nicholasville Road area. If you know of anything there please let me know.

When I started blogging, I wanted a place to document the really beautiful things in my life. Artists can work painstakingly for years on a single piece. When the artist finishes the piece, the art remains beautiful and influential. Darin and I are just two lazy artists that are taking a break from working on our masterpiece.