In ten days, I'll be turning 28. I found my first gray hair this week. It made me really happy. To me, it represents age and with that age, experiences that make me into a wiser person that is better able to deal with life. The past year has been the best year of my life. I have been able to discover adult Lauren. I have found a lot of freedom in rebelling against the things I used to rebel against. It is nice to feel more normal and not like such an outcast or black sheep. Realizing that the label of being a black sheep is one that was self imposed. It has been comforting to fit in, but still maintain myself.

The major things that I have learned in the past year:
-That I seek validation from others to feel lovable and that I'm messing myself up by doing that.
-That I don't have to keep doing things I have always done
-That circumstances may change, but I still carry stuff from place to place.
-That I don't have to have an opinion on things that don't concern me
-To keep my mouth shut

While all of these things are valuable, the biggest changes I have seen in myself are the last two. It is very freeing to recognize that I don't have anything to do with a situation, so I don't have to comment on it. I don't have to share my thoughts on the things, because everyone has their opinions and by telling someone, I am not going to change their thoughts. Being in a former relationship full of opinions and rebellions, it has been a breath of fresh air to be neutral.

This whole year has been a big new breath of air. Clearing out the old stale air, taking in a lung full of new cleaner air. My lungs have felt restricted and retarded for some time and I am finally feeling them expand and be able to take in more than ever before.

The past few weeks have been a lot happier and more hopeful than the previous ones. I can see changes happening in me that are good and healthy and I am grateful for that. I am being a lot less emotionally impatient, but that impatience till very much exists. I recognize that I am exactly where I ought to be, even though it is not where I expected to be or want to be. I am enjoying being alone and it is not as scary or lonely as i though it would be. The theory of quantum entanglement (very) basically says that when two items have come into contact, that after separating, they are no longer the same as before they met. This makes me think of love and how relationships change us. It is interesting to see what I have gained in my pasts relationships and then what I have kept as my own after those relationships ended. It is strange to disassociate the things I've kept from the person that introduced me to them, but it it nice to take ownership of things as things that I enjoy, not just things that I did because my partner did them. I have recently felt a hunger for knowledge like I don't recall ever feeling before. It is like my mind has opened up and wants to become more intelligent. I am enjoying that very much. Life is really good right now, even though my heart still feels like it has a blanket on it. I still feel sad, which makes me feel weak. I know that is not true and I would argue with anyone about why that is wrong, but I still have trouble getting myself to fully believe it. Every week, things get a little bit more joyful. It is comforting to think of how I felt a month ago and to see how much better things are now. It makes me feel really hopeful for the next month.

These have all appeared in strange places for me today. It seems that they were placed there just for me, because I need to hear them.

May I not so much seek to be loved, but to love...

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy it can contain. -Kahlil Gibran

Remember when you go into the world, to keep your eyes and ears wide open. And be kind. Love one another. Take care of each other.Tell the truth. Do your best. Listen to the big people and the little people. Explore new paths and have fun. Know that you are loved like crazy. Give thanks for all of your blessings. Above all else, love and you will do wonderful things in the world. -Rebecca Puig

wah wah wah

My ex once told me I was spoiled Disney princess. I was horrified at the time, but I am realizing how true it is. I am very impatient. I want what I want, and I want it now. I am especially lazy when it comes to emotions. I don't want to be bothered by negative emotions. I only want the good ones. I feel like i am entitled to only good stuff. When I do have to feel negative emotions, I want them to be placed in a box and on a timeline so I know when things will feel better. I want to manipulate and manage sadness and anger so it won't affect me anymore. If I can put it in a box, I can put it away in a closet and not open it. Even though when I've done that in the past, the box falls off that closet shelf at really inopportune times and smacks me in the face. That's not what I need. I am asking for patience and peace with all of this and I am fairly certain it will come. Hopefully sooner than later, cause I'm feeling a little impatient.

on the other hand...

I am really grateful for the people that love me and make my life such a happy place. I am surrounded by people who I care deeply for and that enhance my life in so many ways. My life is wide open, with so many possibilities. The world is my oyster. Anything can happen and whatever does, it will be the right thing. (Hopefully, I can meet these new things with more patience than I am displaying right now.) What I want is not going to happen, but what I need will. Even if it is no fun. I'm grateful for the sweet little boy that I have been trusted to take care of and raise as a loving person. I'm grateful to my friends for instigating so much fun and laughter. I am grateful for the people (both friends and strangers) that are opening up their homes to me today. I am grateful for my home, that it is all mine, that I know where everything is and that I can get rid of anything I want without having to get approval from someone else. I am grateful for my 28th circle around the sun, as it has been the best one yet. I am looking forward to starting my 29th (confusing, since I am turning 28). I am looking forward to there being a little bit more light each day, starting on my birthday. I am thankful for a new year and the new opportunities it will provide. I am grateful for new beginnings and wrapping up old loose ends.

meh.

I haven't been looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. The thought of it has just made me really sad. Last year was my first Thanksgiving after Denali's dad and I split. After we split, my parents told me that they had already bought plane tickets to San Diego to spend time with my sister. I didn't have Denali, so I spent the majority of Thanksgiving alone. It was quite depressing. I have always enjoyed Thanksgiving and looked forward to it. But last year, it filled me with a sense of dread of being alone. When I'm feeling blue, being in a crowd is super hard for me. Especially going to March Madness practice, something I usually love, becomes really miserable. It is hard to be around people having fun and not be able to perk yourself up like everyone else. This year, I had Denali until noon. My extended family had their big meal on Saturday, so I had planned on just hanging out with my mom and dad. They were invited to Thanksgiving with friends of theirs from church and asked me if I would come along so we could be together. I agreed, even though I didn't want to. I got there and immediately wanted to cry. I'm in this huge mansion filled with happy people who I do not know. This loser with no one to spend Thanksgiving with except for a group of complete strangers. I had to go to the bathroom several times to get myself together. Not only am I the complete stranger, but fighting back tears as well. No one knew, but still pretty embarrassing. Everyone was very welcoming and kind and the food was really tasty. I felt better until it was time to leave. My dad walked me out and asked how I was doing. I can't keep myself together in front of my parents. Even if I've had a great day, which I've had a lot more of lately, they ask me how I am and I start crying. I'm so sick of this. I'm ready to not be sad or angry any more. I want a time line to look forward to. Some note that arrives in the mail that says, "On this day, you will no longer be pissed at someone's thoughtless actions or be sad." I feel so stupid for feeling this way. I hate it. I'm a happy person and this is really throwing a cramp in my style.

This post is completely pointless. More of a rant, verbal diarrhea. I do not like Thanksgiving. I do not like being sad. I don't like being pissed. I'm looking forward to all of this being over.

I'm wearing sunglasses at night

My life is nearly always exceptionally great. I am possibly the most lucky/blessed person that has ever lived. Life always seems to work out for me. I've had some dark times, but other than those times, life is amazing. I am often awestruck at the multitude of unique opportunities and interactions that come my way. I've been accused of being obnoxiously optimistic, which is possibly true, since things always seem to work out so well in my life. Right now, I still have plenty of great things going on, but I am not feeling optimistic at all. My life is ruled by fear right now. This is such a dramatic shift from my usual view and I'm somewhat stunned from being knocked off my optimism pedestal. I'm scrambling to get things straightened out and placed in their neat little boxes so I can process them. But I can't seem to find the boxes to put these disappointments in and when I try to grab them to pick up, they blow up in my face.

My brain is a petri dish for fearful thoughts right now and I'm having a hard time getting them under control. The fears are all irrational. So irrational, that I don't want to say them out loud, because I don't want admit the craziness that my mind perpetuates. I'm going to type them out so that I can see them in front of me and I can see how absurd they are. If my brain were a restaurant, these fears would be the daily specials:

I'm scared I am becoming depressed again and that I am going to have to deal with it all by myself. I am surrounded by people that love me and care a lot about me. If I do start feeling this way again, I have knowledge of signs to know when to get help and I have health insurance that will cover it.

I'm afraid I am not going to do well in school and people will not think I am intelligent if I don't get a certain grade. I am doing fine in school, I'm just not able to devote all of the time that I would like to it. No one is judging my intelligence solely on a letter grade.

I'm afraid of being alone and unwanted. I am surrounded by friends that come pick me up and make me go out, even when I feel low and want to lay in bed. Being single is scary because it is new and unfamiliar, but new and unfamiliar things blossom into bigger and better things.

I'm afraid I am going to get stuck on one ideal of what I want to happen. If those ideals don't happen, I'll be disappointed. If it does happen, I will have made it out to be such a great thing in my mind that the actual things will pale in comparison with my lofty ideals, and I will be disappointed. Either way, if I hang onto these ideals, I'll end up disappointed. I need to let them go and remember that life is not black or white. What I want vs. what I don't want are very rarely the only options.

I'm scared that Denali will be treated unfairly. I have an awesome kid that is not always going to be treated as well as I would like for him to be treated. That is part of life and I can't control it. I can only teach him to stand up for himself and to be loving and kind.

I'm scared of losing people I care a lot about. This one is a big one. I'm scared that a very close friendship will not be able to withstand a new topography and that I will lose that person in more ways than I've already lost them.

I'm afraid that I am unloveable because I've been rejected. This, is the biggest and most damning. My spiritual mentor once told me that there are three kinds of lies. The first are outright untruths. The second are lies of omission. The third are the lies that we tell ourselves. The last one is the most ruthless, most damaging and most common. I know that I am surrounded by people that care about me and love me. But in the back of my mind, there is always the thought that no one will love me. I've been able to work on silencing/reducing that thought, but being rejected has made me take two steps back.

Feeding all of these fears is not sustainable. Feeling great all the time is not a balanced life. For as amazing as my life is, if it weren't for the down times, it would be unchecked and unbridled. I need these times to reign things in and recognize how good I have things. My life is nearly always exceptionally great, I'm just in between greatnesses right now.