This is me being grateful

I won tickets yesterday at work to go the The Chieftains. Darin and I went and it was fantastic. The best part was easily the Haitian Harmony. (Technically, they are called the Alltech Haitian Harmony, but I really don't like to brand children with the name of a nutriceutical/beer company, but I digress.)These kids are probably 5-9 years old. These kids have come from worst case scenario situations to standing in front of hundreds of people, wearing nice clean clothes. Their bellies are fed regularly and I'm sure their health care needs have been met. I can't even fathom the shock that they have experienced. From one end of the spectrum to the other. I can't help but wonder what will happen to these kids once this tour is over. Will they go back to Haiti and live there, dreaming of the lives they once had? Will they stay here, with new families, while their parents back in Haiti have a piece of their heart missing, while still trying to feed their other children? I would hate to think that they would be forgotten about, but haven't all the other kids, and people in general, in Haiti been forgotten? I have gotten so wrapped up in my personal drama. I'm forgetting to pay attention all the good stuff. All of my basic needs are met. All of my non-basic needs are met. My kids are provided with opportunities and luxuries that so many kids, even in Lexington, are not afforded. I need to shut up with all of my 'woe is me' spiel. If I start up with it, please give me a kick in the pants.

Okay. Now onto better things. I get to hang with my good buddy, Mr. Mick Jeffries, on Thursday morning on his radio show, Trivial Thursdays. It is always a good time to chill and have awkward conversations with him while an unknown number of people listen. Later, people will ask me about something I said on-air, and I am briefly confused at how they knew about the conversation Mick and I had. So, please, listen to me be awkward, Thursday 7-9am on WRFL 88.1, or stream it online at wrfl.fm.

"I program my home computer.
Beam myself into the future."

This is me being a Debbie Downer

I am nearly moved into my new house. It is a four-plex, so technically it is an apartment, but I like the word house better. It has hardwood floors and a small, but cute kitchen. It has central heat and AC! I won't have to be cold all winter! Mikey T is my across the hall neighbor, so I get to see him and all of his friends. All of my stuff is there, with the exception of beds, chest of drawers, couch, two bookshelves and a recliner. Why I waited to bring all of that over last, I don't know. My landlord neglected to tell me that I needed to have the gas turned on. I could live there right now, but it would be so much nicer if I had a stove, heat and hot water. I also know that it has taken me a full week to get in there because it is a big change. I'm going to be sleeping alone, waking up alone, doing everything alone. It is scary. I also won't have Nali everyday and I don't want that to end. He has been crawling into bed with us a lot recently. Typically I would walk him back to his bed, but I can't bring myself to do it now. I want him to be able to enjoy some of the (possibly?)last nights of Mom & Dad together time. This makes me super sad. He has had a hard time, but has been resilient in a lot of ways as well. Darin has been babysitting a new little girl and Denali hasn't gotten as much attention as he typically would. Akira and Mahala want to play with the new girl, because she is cute and sweet and is not their little brother. I feel like he has been left out by himself in the time when he needs extra attention the most. This makes me super sad as well. I only want to give him the absolute best and part of me feels like not being able to make our marriage work is not giving him the best life possible. I know this is flawed thinking, and it is not a judgement I hold others to. But I am my own worst critic and I will probably always feel like I could have done just one more thing that would have made things work better. Things with Darin have been 60% sweet and loving lately. The other 40% is no fun at all. I feel fearful and anxious. I don't want to be replaced immediately and I don't want him to be so angry with me. I need to work on letting go of my resentments as well. I'm not sure where this is going, and I think I have said too much. Basically, I am equal parts sad and hopeful. Life is going to get better. I am going to continue my spiritual work and allow myself time to be alone to recognize myself. I am excited about my apartment. It already looks good and it is nice to put things anywhere that I want them and clean up after myself and Denali. I am also sad that a chapter of my life is closing. It was a really good chapter but the storyline was losing steam. I just don't want the story to have a bad ending.

I have complete faith that the 50:50 ratio of hopeful/sad will eventually become 60:40 and then 80:20 and so on. I just want to fast forward to the 80:20 time. I am being slothful and trying to avoid hard work. I wish this could have happened in the early spring. I am not looking forward to the darkest time of the year being a time of sadness. My friend, Mary, a wise old crone of a lady, pointed out to me that my birthday, December 21st, while being the darkest day of the year, after that, there is more and more light each day. There are only 78 more days until the light starts returning.

Dia de los Muertos, part 1

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. I have never been good with costumes. I always come up with something half hearted at the last minute. This year, I have started early. I am going to be Willy Wonka for Halloween. I love anything with Johnny Depp as a weirdo. Charlie and the Chocolate factory was a favorite when I was younger. There are only two movies that I have ever seen on the first day they come out. The new C&tCF is one. At first, I thought WW was too Wacko Jacko. Now, I absolutely love it. My favorite part is when WW opens his factory for the first time. Once the kids are all inside the gates, the weird plastic kids started the singing and dancing. Then there is a spark and all of the plastic dolls start melting and the music slows down. Brilliant!

So, I have found a cheap hat, ribbons and feathers to fashion an appropriate hat. I am ordering goggles. I've watched videos on YouTube on how to do WW makeup. I'm excited to find the rest of the stuff to go along with it. I'm going thrifting on Wednesday (half price day!) and costuming is high on my list of things to search for.

The orignial intention for this post, hince the title, was to be about celebrating the Day of the Dead. I'm going to finish that thought later.

providence/benevolence/amazement

In thinking of moving into my new space, I have been extremely overwhelmed by all of the little stuff that I will need to buy for my new home. BandAids, a new toothbrush for Denali, sponges, soap, etc, all readily available and inexpensive. I'm not sure why I chose to focus on this trivial stuff. I knew I would need new furniture and all sorts of other stuff, either for my house or to replace stuff I have taken from Darin's house. If you know me, you know I am frugal and a seasoned thrifter. I was confident that i would be able to find all of the things I needed at a thrift store, little by little. I had resigned myself to not have some things for a while. I was okay with that. However, there was a different plan for me. My best friend's dada moved out of his house and left behind a houseful of nice new things. From a nice La-Z-Boy recliner, dishes, sheets, a curling iron, lava lamp (for Denali's new bedroom. I'm trying to make it really exciting for him.), lamps, mirrors towels, a bookcase, a pie safe, etc. There was so much stuff. My van was pretty loaded down. Just when I thought the van was full, I was offered even more great (vintage!!!!!) stuff from another unoccupied house. My van is so loaded down right now. There is no room for anyone but the driver. While I have been giddy to sign the lease on my new apartment, now I have the added excitement of signing it so I can get all of this stuff out of my van. I have been humbled and amazed at the providence that has appeared before me. My sincerest thanks for my friends, family and the Creator for allowing me access to all of these things that will ease this huge transition for Denali and I.

Darin and I had decided to split up the vehicles. I would take the van and he would take th truck and we could switch them out if one of us needed the other vehicle. The truck started misbehaving as soon as we made this agreement. I drove the truck into the shop this morning. At lunch, our (honest, reliable and fantastic) mechanic, Leo, called to say, "Your truck is just tired." Big Sexy, out truck, is leaking coolant into the cylinders. In other words, the engine is on its way out. Darin and I were trying to brainstorm how we were going to figure out cars until we could decide what to do next, When my dad called. My parents are going out of town for two weeks to Ireland. He offered for me to drive their car while they are gone. It is all working out just fine and I'm amazed. I shouldn't be. I should have complete faith that I will be put exactly where I am supposed to be, when I am supposed to be there. I just can't believe how quickly and thoroughly I am taken care of.

So, In closing, consider me humbled and with a heart full of gratitude.

a record of the love

While I have never, ever doubted Darin's love for me, he proved it again today. If you know much about Darin, you know he is a bit fanatical about music, especially vinyl records. He has about 5,000 of them, meticulously organized in alphabetical order, then within each artist by chronological order. We have bought many of them together over the years and I was bummed to think of not having a record player or records of my own to play. I timidly asked him if I could have some of them, expecting him to not handle it well. He was so willing and encouraged me to take what I wanted. There were a few that he cringed at, but was so gracious about it. I am still somewhat shocked that I now have a personal record collection of about 40 albums, and good ones at that. I also have 400G of music on a hard drive. I feel bad that I underestimated him, and proud of him for being so generous. Talking about splitting all of our stuff up has been so easy. I am grateful for that.

I am still looking for a place to rent on a short term basis. I am in the REACH program, which helps low to moderate income families buy their first home. After completing the minimum of three counseling sessions and taking a home buying class, the federal government gives you $15,000 towards a down payment and covers your closing costs. I spoke with my counselor and I am able to only attend the three sessions and she said I would be finished by Thanksgiving! I'm going to take my sweet time to buy a house, and I won't start looking until the holidays are over, so a 4-6 month lease looks perfect. Not too many people are looking for a short term tenant though. I have complete faith that the right thing will come to me, no matter what I envision the right thing to be.

This might be the shortest post in the history of this blog.

LOVEVOLUTION

This is Darin. Most of you know him. I love him. I have for the past 7.5 years. In that time, I have envisioned us being old, sitting on a front porch, probably out in the country somewhere. We would be drinking Reed's Ginger Brew, the kind sweetened with honey, not sugar. There would be music on in the background, and it would definitely be coming from a record player and there is a very good chance it would be His Name Is Alive. In my mind, he would be boisterously talking, saying something harmlessly offensive, and saying it in a Brooklyn accent. I would be playfully slapping his wrist, chiding him using the few Yiddish words that I know. I have thought of this silly scenario often. Now I am wondering if it will happen.

Relationships are hard. All of them. There is not a single one that is easy. For the first 5 years of us, we floated along as effortless as possible. Things were so good. There was 99% good and 1% not so good. Now, two and a half years later, I am wondering what happened to the effortlessness. I am wondering what happened to us. We got off track somewhere. We haven't been able to get back on again. Maybe our wheels are bent, or the track has crumbled. Either way, despite our best efforts, we just can't connect the track and the wheels anymore. We have fallen into ruts and we can't gain enough traction to get out. I drove by Darin's old house on Clay Avenue tonight. We shared our first kiss on the front porch steps there on March 25, 2003. I cried, remembering how happy and easy things were back then. How in love we were. I wish we could go back to that time and start over. We could create new patterns and start our relationship off knowing what we know now. Our hearts would be overflowing with desire to be with each other. Now our tanks are on empty.

After months of talking, I decided this week to take action and move out of our house. About 50% of me is heartbroken, sad that something I want so badly is slipping through my hands. I want to grow old with him. I want to raise our family together. The other 50% of me is really hopeful. I hate to admit this. I am excited to have time away from Darin, so we can get out of each other's hair for a bit. I am excited to be alone. I moved from my parent's house into Darin's house. We have always lived with a housemate. I have purposely surrounded myself with other people so I could avoid being alone. Now, I need to be alone. I am looking forward to it. I have a feeling that it will really suck once I get there, but it is a requirement for becoming Grown-up Lauren.

I have made a lot of mistakes in the past 7.5 years. Part of me thinks I should stay and try to keep working on things. Trying the same thing over and over expecting different results is insanity, though. I wish I could blame this all on Darin. I could write out a mile long list of things he has done wrong. I would feel justified and haughty and still think I was the better person for being above all the stuff he does. If he sat down and wrote out a list of things I have done wrong, I know it would be longer than the list I made. That might be the hardest part, looking back and realizing all the stupid and selfish things I have done. Every time I lashed out when he pointed out something I could improve. Each time I played on the computer when I could have had a conversation with him. Every time I raised my voice. Each time I criticized or found fault in him before examining my actions. Recognizing that our decline is not just his fault, but mine too. Knowing that because of my character defects I won't be able to see Denali everyday. This is the most heart wrenching part of the whole situation. I have been with Nali nearly everyday of his whole Life. I have never spent more than three days away from him in 5.5 years. Only seeing him every other day, I'm not sure how I can do it. Because of the mistakes I've made, I only get to spend 50% of the time with him. He is the love of my life. He has such a sweet bright light inside of him and he brings so much joy to my life. My only wish is for him to have the best possible life, surrounded by people that love him. I wish that for Darin, too.

Darin and I are considering this a separation. I have no vision or expectations of what will happen with us.

I am certain that everything will be okay. I haven't found a new home yet. I'm looking for a 2 bedroom, preferably in Kenwick, Southland Drive or Nicholasville Road area. If you know of anything there please let me know.

When I started blogging, I wanted a place to document the really beautiful things in my life. Artists can work painstakingly for years on a single piece. When the artist finishes the piece, the art remains beautiful and influential. Darin and I are just two lazy artists that are taking a break from working on our masterpiece.

Note to myself

Daily affirmations have always seemed new agey and hippy dip to me. When I recieved a daily reminder book last year, I tried to read it every morning. after a few weeks, I stopped because I didn't feel like they had much to do with my life. Since I picked it up earlier this month, it has been a punch in the gut each morning, reminding me how much I need to work I have to do, even if it just for today. What seems like it would be impossible to do for the rest of my life seems doable for 16 hours. Here are pieces that seemed especially relevant to me from the past few days:

"I may have big troubles but I can, if I will, make them less painful by turning my thoughts to happier things. I will not isolate myself in my problems. I will observe and enjoy the good and pleasant in the world around me."

"Let me not deprive myself the many little joys that are mine for the taking."

"Dwelling on our troubles only shuts out a world that is waiting to be enjoyed. Nothing has the real power to deprive us of the delights to be found in many daily experiences- even a simple household task, well done. For those of us who are fortunate enough to have young lives in our care, we can forget our troubles in devoting loving attention to them and their developement."

In going with the (attempted) theme of this blog, to share the beautiful things in my life, I thought it was appropriate to include some of my favorite things.

Passion flowers. (botanical spaceships)


My favorite ice cream


Stargazer lillies