lady love

I have had a simply incredible evening. The Thriller Parade and Halloween Showcase was tonight. I was really looking forward to doing the dance of the Demented Toyz, and for Thriller in general. I get filled with a nearly indescribable joy on the 4th of July and other events where a large number of people gather downtown to have fun and dance. I love the energy of so many people in the streets giddy with anticipation of things to come. Thriller was no exception.

I felt off all day. Things felt weird. Things felt strained and awkward, in a relationship where they were formally fluid and familiar. Change is hard. I don't like being in uncharted waters. I like sticking to to roads I've traveled before. This new relationship is nothing I have ever had. I want it to fall into a category that I am familiar with, but I can't seem to find the category I want it to be placed in because that category doesn't exist yet. I cried several little cries today. I was excited about dancing, but still not so excited about being in a large group of people. When going out in groups of happy people the old phrase, "How are you doing?" comes up often. It is meant only as a routine greeting but when your are feeling low, every time someone asks you that question, it is hard not to tell them how sad or shitty you feel. especially if you are in the midst of laughing, happy people. Muttering the simple phrase, "I'm good, thanks." seems more than I can bear to say. I was happy to be with my friends but still feeling sad and sorry for myself. We did our demented dance and I didn't make a single mistake. It was great to perform and to wear a costume so not many people knew it was me. It felt relieving and refreshing to wear a mask and to hide behind that. I feel very grateful for finding a fitting artistic outlet.

After dancing and wrangling zombies, I had a the opportunity to hang out with friends, some new and some old. It was amazing and full of laughter. After walking into my apartment, I sat down on my couch and just felt so blown away and humbled by the amazing women in my life. Between old friends and new friends; maidens, mothers and crones; women that I would typically never have contact with outside of one special setting; all of the powerful women in my life. There is so much collective wisdom and experience between us. I am about to turn off the lights and I am so full of love and brimming with joy and gratitude from the beautiful lady spirits that i have been so blessed to have in my life. I feel so inspired by all of this that my mind is swimming with amazement. I have no doubt that I will quickly fall into a deep, restful sleep, full of the beautiful shining light that these ladies bring into my life.

Humbly and gratefully yours,
Lauren

Free Will Astrology, try again.

I sat down this morning before going to work, set the timer and meditated. I am awful at focusing, but I am doing much better at clearing my mind. I sat and listened for what I needed to hear. The thought that came to me was that the horoscope from last week was that I would rely upon something that had previously seemed vital for sustenance. I was confused about how that fit into this week's horoscope of diving into the darkness that is inside me, and inside all of us. I feel like I especially have some extra darkness to deal with right now. While meditating this morning, it occured to be that the sustenance horoscope was last week's, not this week's. Last week is over. That horoscope fit very well for last week, but I'm in a new week and this week, I have to sustain myself.

Like I mentioned previously, I typically do not take horoscopes seriously. The daily ones are a quack and I only read Rob Brezny's Free Will Astrology on occasion. It is simply a fun interpretation and entertaining to read, if nothing else. I am not sure what led me to check his website, but I am so glad I did. What was feeling like an overwhelmingly daunting chore is now seeming like so much more focused and direct and very doable. Today I am grateful for a good kick in the pants to git-her-done.

Free Will Astrology

The main reason I pick up an ACE magazine these days is to read the Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezney. While I find astrology quite fascinating I'm not a big fan of horoscopes. Too vague, too impersonal. But I do enjoy Mr. Brezney's interpretation of the celestial patterns. I randomly decided to check my horoscope on his website, something I have never done before. My last two horoscopes have very closely mimicked my emotions. I've put the most poignant parts in italics.

This week's horoscope:
Is the highest form of courage embodied in a soldier fighting during a war? Irish poet William Butler Yeats didn't think so. He said that entering into the abyss of one's deep self is equally daring. By my astrological reckoning, that will be the location of your greatest heroism in the days ahead. Your most illuminating and productive adventures will be the wrestling matches you have with the convulsive, beautiful darkness you find inside yourself. Halloween costume suggestion: a peaceful warrior.

"Nothing's going right in my life. I feel anxious and paranoid all the time. My relationships are a mess." In my line of work, people make confessions like that to me. My first response is usually something like this: "Do you habitually gobble junk food near bedtime, steal a paltry five hours of sleep per night, gulp two cups of coffee and no breakfast in the morning, then bolt to a workplace where you get no sunlight or exercise and sit in an uncomfortable chair?" They often reply, "You must be psychic! How did you know?!" My point is that many psychological troubles stem from our chronic failure to take good care of ourselves.

Last week's horoscope:
Scientists have discovered an exotic animal that feeds on the bones of dead whales lying on the ocean floor. Known informally as the bone-eating snot-flower worm, it looks like a frilly pink plume growing up out of sheer bone. Believe it or not, Sagittarius, you could take a cue from this creature in the coming weeks. It will be a favorable time for you to draw sustenance from the skeletal remains of big things that were once vital.

"The important thing," said French critic Charles Du Bos, "is to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

Did he really mean at any moment? Like while we're in a convenience store buying a magazine? While we're lying in bed ready for sleep and reviewing the events of the day? While we're adrift in apathetic melancholy, watching too much TV and neglecting our friends? At any moment?! I say yes. At all times and in all places be ready to sacrifice what you are for what you could become.

Okay, so according to Rob I've got a lot of work to do. Delving into the darkness within, wrestling matches in order to be productive, taking better care of myself, and being willing to let go of the past and using the knowledge I've learned from the remains of what I used to think was vital to my life in order to become a better person tomorrow. Whew.

I am trying to sit with the negative emotions as they arise. Tonight I felt really lonely and like the train I was on was about to wreck. I rode my bike home crying only to come into my house and realize my laundry was done. I washed some more clothes, put the clean ones away, attempted to organize the clothes pile which is my bedroom and worked for an hour on a very important project that I have avoided. I've gotten a lot done tonight in just two hours. And I haven't shed a single tear. I bought several supplements for myself last week to make up for the toll of stress and poor diet. I have exercised for the past three days. I've done this and I'm feeling up for the task at hand.

Mr. Brezney, I'm working on it. If nothing else, I am feeling hopeful about the changes to come.

limitations

While laying in bed the other night, it occurred to me that I was trying to put confines on our relationship. I am a bit of a control freak and it feels so much better to have everything in its place and a place for everything. I want to know where things stand. I like to mentally put things in boxes and have a set space for them. I want things to be neat and tidy and settled. I have felt (but have been fooling myself) that my life was fitting into my box of expectations in the past. Now it is spread all over, dripping and staining the fabric which is my life. I don't have a way to absorb all of the spill and it just keeps getting bigger and more far reaching. The spill is starting to bleed over into other aspects of my life that typically would feel manageable, but now they are feeling stained as well. Having this spill and not knowing how much longer there will be a leak, if it will be easy to wash out, and what is going to happen to my piece of fabric. I want to put this all in the washing machine, then the dryer and then neatly fold the fabric up and put it safely away in a drawer. I don't think that is going to happen any time soon.

I have been really lazy with emotions lately, especially the hard ones. There are things I can do that make me feel good and safe and comfortable again. Why stop that when those feeling are so strong? Why cease doing those things, only to face emotions that feel awful? (This makes it sound like I am on drugs or drinking. Not the case.) I'm in a spiritual program and I am in the process of making amends to people that I have harmed. this sounds a lot easier than it really is, and not just the act of apologizing. There is preparation and figuring out the ways I have caused someone harm. This really is not fun at all, because I've started to see all of the harm that I have caused in relationships where I have previously blamed others. I am actually looking forward to making the amends, just to get them over with and to move onto better relationships. I'm not being as lazy with that as I am with other things, which is a good thing.

On another note, I am so grateful for the first day of my lady cycle. Not because it means I'm not pregnant (which I am grateful for), but because it means that I am not crazy. The days leading up to it are absolutely nuts. I am your typical girl that cries over everything that has ever gone wrong in the history of the world. Sobbing over hurt feelings from years ago, then onto an animal I saw that had been run over. When Darin would try to make me laugh, I would just cry harder. I pity anyone who has ever dealt with me like that. It is absolute insanity. Thus, when I start, I am incredibly happy to be back on the road to sanity, even if I will only stay on that road for another month before taking the exit to Crazytown. Sometimes I feel like I don't just go there, but that I built the place by hand.

For today, I am grateful that I am able to walk and bike to get to where I need to go, for Halloween costumes that aren't quite finished, daily reminders, water, dancing, hoodies, and the artwork that is waiting to be hung up in my apartment so it will become even more of my own personal space.

nana grizol - tamborine n thyme [2/11]

I have been enjoying one particular song lately. I have always liked it a lot, but it has only recently reflected my situation. The song is Tamoborine and Thyme by Nana Grizol. I really like this band a whole lot. When I was in The Iron Mikes, the Rough Customers precursor band, we got to play with them. Here it is:

painting complete

When I first wrote about Darin and I separating, I ended the post saying that we were taking a break from painting a masterpiece. Well, the painting is complete. We both remain committed to our family and to co parenting, but are also committing to ourselves as individuals. I have been in a long term relationship since I was 16, with the exception of six weeks in between the two relationships. I have never been an adult by myself and I am already enjoying my freedom and independence. I am so grateful that I am able to support Denali all by myself. While I miss Denali on the nights I don't have him, I am able to clean the house, get the laundry done, exercise and see my friends. In doing this, the nights that I do have Denali, it is 100% devoted to him. We have created a library night and have been reading about an hour a day. We make the best of the time that he is here, without me having the distractions of housework. I am loving my home and making it my own space.

Last night, Darin and I were packing up things from the altar that was in our bedroom, taking down the pictures of us together. Seeing documentation of happy times together was really sad and nostalgic. I cried a lot last night, wondering where things went wrong. I hate looking back on things with regret, because things are exactly as they are supposed to be. But still, I can see how much hurt I have caused him and inflicted on our relationship. That is hard. I put all the pictures of us in a drawer with letters and cards that he had given me, pictures that Denali drew and other special stuff. I plan on finding a nice box to put the pictures in and saving them for Denali. I cried last night without trying to hold it in. It felt good to be able to weep and get it out and sit with that emotion, even though it sucked a whole lot.

Regardless of this sadness and nostalgia, there are so many phenomenal things happening in my life right now. I am taking a dance class for the first time since high school. I am learning the dance of the demented toys. We will be performing at the Halloween Showcase downtown after the Thriller performance. Thinking of costuming is really exciting. I am finding accoutrements to put together my Willy Wonka costume. I have my first counseling session with REACH tonight, one step closer to owning my own home. I have been doing more fire performances. Playing with fire is handling a dangerous element. It is easy to burn away the bad stuff and feel the adrenaline rush while performing. I really enjoy performing and it is an aspect of my life that has been ignored for years. Through March Madness Marching Band, fire performances and now this new dancing, I am having a very enjoyable time becoming something that is outside of my daily routine and dress code. I have a great home that is my own personal sacred space. I have the sweetest boy in the world, one who can now read about 30 words and say lots of stuff in Spanish. yesterday, he went to ask me a question and accidentally said it is Spanish. I have been blessed to borrow my parents nice car while I look for another. I am buying a blue Toyota 4Runner. It is big enough to haul things (which I do a lot) and is sturdy enough to be safe in case of an accident. It is in my price range, below the maximum amount that I am able to spend. Life is working itself out well and I am grateful with that. I am trying to sit and embrace my emotions and honor that they are the work I need to do to grow and improve. They are what is going to get me to be a better Lauren.

Life is so beautiful, even when it hurts.

TMI

If you are reading this, I'm making the assumption that you know me. You know I don't have much of a filter. I have a hard time deciding what is too much information. I feel like my life is full of dichotomies right now. Looking back through the blog, I have over used the phrase, "Part of me feels like..., while another part of me feels..." This statement sums up my life right now. The dichotomy that comes to mind this morning is my filter, or lack thereof. I have tried to be good about not talking a lot about how I am feeling to many people, keeping it to my very close friends. I guess I have shared it on here, too. Yikes. I realize that it is important to express myself and not hold it all inside. I don't feel like I am doing that, just that not everyone and their brother wants to hear about the current state of my life. I can't blame them. I had two friends over last night. We sat and talked and I dominated the conversation with my stuff. I felt ridiculous. I needed to stop talking and I had a hard time doing so.

So here is the dichotomy of the hour. I feel that it is imperative that people be honest and open about their experiences. For years, I have equated silence with shame. Now I am realizing that I can keep things to myself without feeling shame. There are very few things that I feel regret or shame about. Even the things that I am entirely accepting of, they don't need to be told to anyone that will listen. Sometimes I just need to shut my mouth. However, I have had numerous situations where I told too much, only to have someone relate their own experience that they typically would not have opened up about. Where do I draw that line of shutting up and relating my experiences? I'm working on figuring that out.

It's all good, even when it ain't

It's all good right now! I feel great. Darin and I are getting along swimmingly. Denali and I have spent great quality time together this week. I like that on the days when he is with Darin, I can clean and do laundry. The other night I made a huge pot of chili. The next day when he came, the house was clean, the laundry was done and it took five minutes to heat up dinner. All of the other time was 100% Denali time. He has been really happy and just a joy to be around. He has started reading and I am so impressed that it just happened all of a sudden. He loves doing his homework, loves reading and adores school. My house is nearly finished and unpacked. It feels like home and Denali likes it. He said he was glad that this was his new house. Life is exceptionally good.

In the past year, Life has felt equal parts hopeful and really scary. Hopefulness is really prevailing. My life is a blank slate. The possibilities abound. Allowing myself to step back, relinquish control and see where it goes is an exceptionally freeing sensation. Once again this is me: humble, grateful and in great anticipation of the things to come.

This is me being grateful

I won tickets yesterday at work to go the The Chieftains. Darin and I went and it was fantastic. The best part was easily the Haitian Harmony. (Technically, they are called the Alltech Haitian Harmony, but I really don't like to brand children with the name of a nutriceutical/beer company, but I digress.)These kids are probably 5-9 years old. These kids have come from worst case scenario situations to standing in front of hundreds of people, wearing nice clean clothes. Their bellies are fed regularly and I'm sure their health care needs have been met. I can't even fathom the shock that they have experienced. From one end of the spectrum to the other. I can't help but wonder what will happen to these kids once this tour is over. Will they go back to Haiti and live there, dreaming of the lives they once had? Will they stay here, with new families, while their parents back in Haiti have a piece of their heart missing, while still trying to feed their other children? I would hate to think that they would be forgotten about, but haven't all the other kids, and people in general, in Haiti been forgotten? I have gotten so wrapped up in my personal drama. I'm forgetting to pay attention all the good stuff. All of my basic needs are met. All of my non-basic needs are met. My kids are provided with opportunities and luxuries that so many kids, even in Lexington, are not afforded. I need to shut up with all of my 'woe is me' spiel. If I start up with it, please give me a kick in the pants.

Okay. Now onto better things. I get to hang with my good buddy, Mr. Mick Jeffries, on Thursday morning on his radio show, Trivial Thursdays. It is always a good time to chill and have awkward conversations with him while an unknown number of people listen. Later, people will ask me about something I said on-air, and I am briefly confused at how they knew about the conversation Mick and I had. So, please, listen to me be awkward, Thursday 7-9am on WRFL 88.1, or stream it online at wrfl.fm.

"I program my home computer.
Beam myself into the future."

This is me being a Debbie Downer

I am nearly moved into my new house. It is a four-plex, so technically it is an apartment, but I like the word house better. It has hardwood floors and a small, but cute kitchen. It has central heat and AC! I won't have to be cold all winter! Mikey T is my across the hall neighbor, so I get to see him and all of his friends. All of my stuff is there, with the exception of beds, chest of drawers, couch, two bookshelves and a recliner. Why I waited to bring all of that over last, I don't know. My landlord neglected to tell me that I needed to have the gas turned on. I could live there right now, but it would be so much nicer if I had a stove, heat and hot water. I also know that it has taken me a full week to get in there because it is a big change. I'm going to be sleeping alone, waking up alone, doing everything alone. It is scary. I also won't have Nali everyday and I don't want that to end. He has been crawling into bed with us a lot recently. Typically I would walk him back to his bed, but I can't bring myself to do it now. I want him to be able to enjoy some of the (possibly?)last nights of Mom & Dad together time. This makes me super sad. He has had a hard time, but has been resilient in a lot of ways as well. Darin has been babysitting a new little girl and Denali hasn't gotten as much attention as he typically would. Akira and Mahala want to play with the new girl, because she is cute and sweet and is not their little brother. I feel like he has been left out by himself in the time when he needs extra attention the most. This makes me super sad as well. I only want to give him the absolute best and part of me feels like not being able to make our marriage work is not giving him the best life possible. I know this is flawed thinking, and it is not a judgement I hold others to. But I am my own worst critic and I will probably always feel like I could have done just one more thing that would have made things work better. Things with Darin have been 60% sweet and loving lately. The other 40% is no fun at all. I feel fearful and anxious. I don't want to be replaced immediately and I don't want him to be so angry with me. I need to work on letting go of my resentments as well. I'm not sure where this is going, and I think I have said too much. Basically, I am equal parts sad and hopeful. Life is going to get better. I am going to continue my spiritual work and allow myself time to be alone to recognize myself. I am excited about my apartment. It already looks good and it is nice to put things anywhere that I want them and clean up after myself and Denali. I am also sad that a chapter of my life is closing. It was a really good chapter but the storyline was losing steam. I just don't want the story to have a bad ending.

I have complete faith that the 50:50 ratio of hopeful/sad will eventually become 60:40 and then 80:20 and so on. I just want to fast forward to the 80:20 time. I am being slothful and trying to avoid hard work. I wish this could have happened in the early spring. I am not looking forward to the darkest time of the year being a time of sadness. My friend, Mary, a wise old crone of a lady, pointed out to me that my birthday, December 21st, while being the darkest day of the year, after that, there is more and more light each day. There are only 78 more days until the light starts returning.

Dia de los Muertos, part 1

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. I have never been good with costumes. I always come up with something half hearted at the last minute. This year, I have started early. I am going to be Willy Wonka for Halloween. I love anything with Johnny Depp as a weirdo. Charlie and the Chocolate factory was a favorite when I was younger. There are only two movies that I have ever seen on the first day they come out. The new C&tCF is one. At first, I thought WW was too Wacko Jacko. Now, I absolutely love it. My favorite part is when WW opens his factory for the first time. Once the kids are all inside the gates, the weird plastic kids started the singing and dancing. Then there is a spark and all of the plastic dolls start melting and the music slows down. Brilliant!

So, I have found a cheap hat, ribbons and feathers to fashion an appropriate hat. I am ordering goggles. I've watched videos on YouTube on how to do WW makeup. I'm excited to find the rest of the stuff to go along with it. I'm going thrifting on Wednesday (half price day!) and costuming is high on my list of things to search for.

The orignial intention for this post, hince the title, was to be about celebrating the Day of the Dead. I'm going to finish that thought later.